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What Is a Platonic Relationship?

Kendra Cherry, MS, is an author and educational consultant focused on helping students learn about psychology.

Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.

Verywell / Madelyn Goodnight

What Is a Platonic Relationship?

A platonic relationship is one in which people share a close bond but do not have a sexual relationship. The concept originates in the ideas of the ancient philosopher Plato, from whose name the term is derived. Where Plato believed this type of love could bring people closer to a divine ideal, the modern use of the term is focused on the idea of people being close friends.

The opposite of a platonic relationship is a sexual or romantic relationship. While the term is sometimes thought to apply only to opposite-sex friends, it can also apply to same-sex friendships as well.

Signs Your Relationship Is Platonic

There are a number of characteristics that distinguish a platonic relationship from some other types of relationships. In addition to the lack of a sexual aspect, this type of relationships also tends to be marked by:

These types of relationships are often friendships. And while the lack of a sexual relationship is what characterizes this type of connection, it does not necessarily mean that the individuals in the relationship are not attracted to each other or could not start to feel attracted to one another.

Types of Platonic Relationships

A few different terms have emerged to describe some different types of platonic relationships. These include:

How to Form Platonic Relationships

Platonic relationships can be important for psychological well-being. Research has found that having social support plays a vital role in mental health, so building a network of people that include family, platonic friends, and other loved ones can be important for your overall wellness.

Some things that you can do to help foster platonic relationships include:

In addition to developing new platonic relationships, it is also important to understand how to keep the ones you have now healthy and strong. Some ways to do this include being supportive, maintaining boundaries, and practicing honesty.

Impact of Platonic Relationships

There are a number of reasons why having platonic relationships is important for your health and well-being. Some of the positive effects that these relationships may bring to your life include:

Love and Support

Research suggests that having love and support from people in your life can have important health benefits. This type of support can lower your risk for disease, improve your immunity, and decrease your risk for depression and anxiety.

Your platonic support system can help provide emotional support by listening to what you have to say, providing validation, and helping you when you are in need.

Lower Stress

Stress can take a serious toll on both your physical and mental health. Chronic or prolonged stress can contribute to health problems such as cardiac disease, high blood pressure, digestive issues, and decreased immunity. It can also play a role in mood problems such as anxiety or depression.

Having strong platonic relationships outside of immediate family and romantic partnerships, however, has been found to help people cope better with sources of stress. Not only that, having supportive platonic friendships lowers the stress that people face.

Increased Resilience

Platonic relationships can also play a role in helping you become more resilient in the face of life’s challenges. Whether it involves troubles in your romantic relationships, problems in your family, work struggles, or health challenges, your platonic relationships can support you as you weather these storms.

One study found that one of the biggest predictors of a person’s ability to recover after a traumatic or stressful event was the presence of strong friendships.

Tips for Health Platonic Relationships

Platonic relationships are not always easy to find. When you do establish a strong platonic bond, it is important to continue to nurture and strengthen that connection. Some things that you can do to help keep these relationships healthy include:

It is also important to know when to let go of a platonic relationship. Unhealthy relationships can create stress, so don’t be afraid to end your association if the other person is unkind, manipulative, hurtful, or doesn’t support you the way you support them.

Potential Challenges

It is important to note that platonic relationships are not the same as unrequited love. Where an unrequited relationship is essentially a crush that involves one person being romantically or sexually interested in someone who does not return their feelings, true platonic relationships do not involve an unequal balance of emotions.

This does not mean that a platonic relationship can’t or won’t develop into something romantic or sexual. This can be a problem if preserving a platonic friendship is important. While such a relationship can potentially turn into strong romantic relationships, you also run the risk of losing the friendship if you end up breaking up.

If maintaining a platonic relationship is important to you, focus on establishing and maintaining clear boundaries. For example, set limits on things such as time spent together, amount of contact, and physical intimacy.

Platonic Boundaries

Some boundaries you should maintain in a platonic relationship include:

What If You Want Something More

If you are the one who wants to extend a platonic relationship into something more, it is important to be open and honest with the other person. Express your interest without pressuring them.

Discuss what it might mean to the relationship and how it might ultimately affect your friendship. Platonic relationships can serve as a great foundation for a romantic relationship, but it is important to be honest and communicate openly.

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4 Characteristics Of Platonic Love: A Relationship Of A Different Kind

Neither family, nor privilege, nor wealth, nor anything but Love can light that beacon which a man must steer by when he sets out to live the better life. – Plato

Is love the guiding light to a better life? Many people believe it is, and that little is possible without love as a motivator.

Love is multi-faceted and comes in many forms: parental, filial, romantic, and platonic.

But what do we mean when we say “platonic friends” or talk about “platonic love”?

What does a modern, healthy platonic relationship look like, and how do we keep it that way?

What Is Platonic Love?

Platonic love takes its name from famous Classical Greek philosopher, Plato (428/427 or 424/423 – 348/347 BC).

Plato wrote about love in his work, the Symposium, a dialogue where the guests of a banquet each gave speeches in honor of the god Eros and debated the true meaning of love.

Initially, Plato’s dialogue was directed toward same-sex relationships, sexual, and otherwise, but by the Renaissance, platonic love had come to encompass the non-sexual, heterosexual relationships we know today.

Originally, Platonic love was love that was not vulgar, meaning it wasn’t centered on lust or fulfilling carnal needs. Instead, it was a love that inspired nobler pursuits, and brought one closer to the divine. It brought about the best in both people.

Clearly, today this is no longer completely the case. In our secular world, a platonic relationship has basically become code for “we’re just friends” (minus the benefits).

In many cases, that person can end up being someone you’d go to the moon and back for, but just have no romantic interest in, or attraction to, in a sexual way.

However, modern notions of platonic companionship are not completely devoid of its original meaning; just like the original idea, platonic love, like romantic love, can be deep and intense, and form some of life’s best, and longest friendships.

It is a space where jealousy doesn’t rear its ugly head, and hidden agendas and unrequited love are left at the door.

It is rooted in genuine honesty, and the ability to be yourself around that person without fear of censure, or abandonment.

3 Characteristics Of Platonic Love

A simple way to sum it up would be: be a good friend, full stop.

However, this isn’t the answer people are looking for; especially at a time when relationships, and power structures, are changing and are in dire need of boundaries.

The following three characteristics of platonic love will help you recognize it, manage your expectations of it, and keep that relationship happy, and healthy, and thriving for years to come.

1. Platonic Loves Encourages Unfiltered Honesty

There is little need for deceit in a purely platonic relationship.

Unlike in a romantic relationship, there is no fear that the person will leave you because they were never with you in the first place.

You aren’t an item, so the stakes aren’t as high. There isn’t the same caution, or need to check in with the other person emotionally.

You can have a fight, not speak for a month, then patch things up, and things will pretty much go back to normal.

Platonic love doesn’t have to spare anyone’s feelings. There is no need to maintain a facade.

In some sense, this brutal honesty is great; in fact, it is often a relief.

You can get insights and perspectives you wouldn’t be able to get from your romantic partner.

You can ask the unaskable questions, and not have to worry too much about the status of your relationship.

You can talk openly about your dating troubles, and share your personal gaffes without worrying about how it makes you look.

Platonic love can tell it like it is, and can take the lumps a romantic relationship cannot because it’s not as complicated when you’re not busy trying to keep up appearances and impress someone.

You aren’t putting them first, in the way you would if you were romantically involved.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t consider other people’s feelings outside of your own or your romantic partner’s, but there is a different level of consideration we go to when we have a romantic end game in mind.

A romantic relationship is less like a rock, and more like a flower. It has to be carefully cultivated, and taken care of; it is fragile and liable (like a flower) to die without the proper attention.

This is especially true once the first flush of love has faded, the butterflies are gone, and you’ve settled into a comfortable pattern together.

This is when the real work begins. Platonic love is much less delicate and can weather these ups and downs.

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2. Platonic Love Respects Boundaries

While purely platonic relationships may have a no-holds barred aspect to them (because we don’t hold our friends to the same standards as we do our lovers), this doesn’t mean that there are no boundaries.

Platonic relationships require (especially in the beginning) strong boundaries. These are not normally discussed or negotiated the way steps are in romantic relationships, but they hover in the background nonetheless.

As time passes, you will know how far you can push those boundaries, and when you have to pull back.

For example, when you travel together – do you share a room? If you do, will that change if one or both of you gets involved with someone romantically?

Platonic love requires a lot of trust. This is especially true when you (or your platonic bestie) are in a romantic relationship.

You have to take care to build trust to ensure that your partners understand the nature of your relationship, and that it doesn’t pose any potential threats.

If your significant other has a platonic BFF, how would that play out for you? What would be considered OK? What wouldn’t?

Ask yourself these questions, and listen to those feelings. Your gut is often the best indicator of what constitutes crossing the line, and what is acceptable.

3. Platonic Love Has No Expectations

Although friendship is a give and take partnership, when it comes to platonic love, you have to be careful not to expect or demand more of that person than you would of a regular friendship.

Part of what differentiates platonic from romantic love is expectation. We expect a lot from our romantic partners because with every person you date, you’re potentially interviewing them for the role of life partner, or spouse.

If someone wants to spend their life with you, they need to be of the highest caliber, and up to scratch.

We are less forgiving of mistakes in romantic relationships, and in a sense, that’s a good thing; we need to be picky when it comes to investing that kind of time in a lifelong companion.

Platonic love doesn’t get held to the same high standard. You’re not sharing a home, children, pets, bank accounts, etc. – you’re close, (and potentially) lifelong friends.

You get to go home at the end of the night and not worry about what that person is doing, who they’re with, whether they paid the electric bill, ate the dinner you left in the fridge, or hung the laundry to dry.

You may worry about them if they’ve been going through a difficult time, as naturally good friends do, but you’re not as invested in their day-to-day meanderings and external relationships. They simply don’t come first.

If you start to notice that they are coming first, or that you’re often disappointed by their behavior because they aren’t living up to your expectations, you may need to step back and ask yourself: are romantic feelings creeping in?

Are boundaries being crossed? Why am I demanding this from this person? You may be expecting too much.

4. Platonic Love Is Selfless

Romantic love is, in part, selfish. It wants what is best for the partnership as a whole.

Marriages or other committed relationships sometimes require us to act in ways that we might not otherwise act.

These acts might appear selfless on the surface because you may do something for the benefit of your partner.

But look closer and you’ll realize that they are selfish in the sense that you do them in order to maintain harmony and to keep the relationship going.

The continuation of a happy relationship is as much for your benefit as it is for theirs.

The relationship comes first and the needs of the individual sometimes have to be sacrificed.

In a platonic friendship, each party wants whatever is best for the other, regardless of what that might mean for the relationship.

Perhaps you give the other person space and time when they enter a new relationship.

You may want to spend time with them, but you accept that what is best for them might not be what you want.

So you let them go, in the hope that once their new relationship is established, you can reconnect with each other.

Or perhaps you realize that your presence is having a detrimental effect on the other person.

Maybe you are acting as a crutch for them to lean on so that they don’t have to address their issues.

For example, you might have helped them out with money a few times, but you know that they are still not being frugal.

So you say no the next time they ask and you stand firm even if it causes an argument.

In the end, you know it’s in their best interest to learn how to budget and take responsibility for their finances.

If it drives a wedge between you temporarily – or even permanently – you still do it because you want what is best for them.

That act is selfless in the sense that you will not gain anything from it, but you do it in the hope that your platonic friend will get some benefit.

Summary: It’s Not Complicated…

Platonic love will always be a part of the human condition – we award different values to every person we meet, and we love each one in a unique way.

Recognizing and respecting those differences will bring us closer to Plato’s initial ideal of platonic love – one that raises us up and anchors us throughout life.

While love might be fraught with complexities, two-way platonic affection is the one place where you can definitively say: it’s not complicated.

Platonic relationships provide an important piece to how we love, and are loved, through life.

They can provide fulfilling, lifelong friendships, offer us refreshing perspectives, and a much needed outlet to let off steam, and let it all hang out.

These are the people who love us minus the baggage, the “rock” friends who inspire the best in us, and tell us what we need to hear when we’ve gone astray.

Keep your relationship honest, respect each other’s boundaries, let go of expectations, and do what’s best for them.

Remembering these three key things will go a long way to a healthy, and happy relationship.

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Aplatonic

Another proposed aplatonic flag.

An alternate aplatonic flag.

An alternate aplatonic flag.

Another alternate aplatonic flag.

Aplatonic, abbreviated Apl (pronounced as «apple») is an identity on the aplatonic spectrum that is used most commonly by a-spec individuals who do not experience platonic attraction, or by those who do not relate to the concept of platonic love.

The term has also been used by neurodivergent aromantics and traumatized aro individuals, who might not desire friendship or other platonic relationships.

Aplatonic does not refer to someone who simply «doesn’t have friends» or «doesn’t want friends», although either of these may also be true for an aplatonic individual, rather it describes someone who does not experience «platonic crushes» or «squishes» like some a-spec individuals do. Some aplatonic individuals may still have strong platonic bonds (though not all desire strong platonic relationships) or have a general desire for friendships, however they never experience a strong desire to be friends with someone in particular, or feel as though the term «love» can be applied to the relationship.

History

The term aplatonic was first introduced by a homoromantic asexual on the AVEN forums on April 6, 2012. [1] In his words, «I have friends and care about them; but love is a powerful word, and one I cannot apply to them.»

Aplatonic seems to have been independently coined by aroarolibrary on Dec 30, 2014. [2]

The earliest remaining record of the purple, blue, and green aplatonic flag is a submission to the now-deactivated pride-flags-for-us Tumblr blog somtime before December 30, 2014. [3]

The colors are the inverse of yellow, pink, and brown, colors that are typically used to represent friendship. White represents how an aplatonic individuals can still be allosexual/alloromantic, a reference to the white stripe on the asexual and aromantic flags. Cream was used instead of pure white to make the flag more visually appealing.

The yellow aplatonic flag was created by Mod Hermy of Pride-Flags Deviantart on Sep 4, 2015. [4] The black, grey, and white stripes match that of the asexual and aromantic flags. Yellow is used to symbolize the platonic/aplatonic spectrum.

The five striped aplatonic flag was created by Tumblr user xenictrender on April 14th, 2021. [5] This flag was made to be more visually appealing. The additional brown stripe was made to even it out.

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Queerplatonic Relationship

A commonly used queerplatonic flag.

Queerplatonic relationship, also called a quasiplatonic relationship, quirkyplatonic relationship, or qplatonic relationship (abbreviated QPR), is a term for a relationship that bends the rules for telling apart romantic relationships from non-romantic relationships. It typically goes beyond what is considered normal or socially acceptable for a platonic relationship but is not romantic in nature or does not fully fit the traditional idea of a romantic relationship.

Another common queerplatonic flag.

In modern western societies, hard lines are drawn between appropriate behavior for a romantic relationship compared to a friendship. For example, cultural norms say that romantic partners are more physically affectionate and more emotionally close than friends are, as well as being more likely to partner in major life activities such as buying a house or raising a child together. When those lines are blurred, that relationship can be called queerplatonic. QPRs are often characterized by having a level of emotional closeness and dedication comparable to that found in a romantic relationship, which results in many individuals viewing their queerplatonic attraction/relationships as entirely/mostly separate from being platonic.

Queerplatonic relationships are common among a-spec individuals, however one does not have to identify as a-spec to be in a queerplatonic relationship. One also does not have to be queer to be in a queerplatonic relationship. Pursuing a queerplatonic relationship is not necessarily mutually exclusive with pursuing romantic relationships. A queerplatonic relationship can be monogamous or polyamorous- involving more than two individuals.

Individuals in queerplatonic relationships might refer to each other as their queerplatonic partner (QPP), marshmallow/mallowfriend, or as «zucchini», a term that was originally a joke in the a-spec community about lacking a word to properly describe the term, so they could just use any word they want, like zucchini. [1] A queerplatonic crush is most commonly called a squish (the same as a platonic crush), and is less commonly called a plush, squash, or crish.

Contents

Queerplatonic Attraction

Queerplatonic attraction is a form of tertiary attraction experienced mainly, but not exclusively, by a-spec individuals. It is defined as the desire to be in a queerplatonic relationship with someone in particular. Queerplatonic attraction can be very similar to platonic attraction and alterous attraction. For some individuals these types of attraction greatly overlap. Not all individuals make a distinction between them. For others they may feel like there is a clear distinction between these feelings. Among those who do feel a distinction, queerplatonic attraction is often described as being stronger and more intimate than purely platonic attraction. Alterous attraction is the desire for intimacy that is neither platonic nor romantic, queerplatonic can be considered an extension of platonic attraction.

Someone who does not experience queerplatonic attraction and/or does not desire queerplatonic relationships may call themself aqueerplatonic. Queerplatonic attraction is not a requirement for a having or wanting a QPR. Some aqueerplatonic individuals may still want or have queerplatonic relationship, they just do not get squishes. Others who are aqueerplatonic might not desire a queerplatonic relationship. They may also identify as nonamorous.

History

On January 22, 2011 the phrase queerplatonic was posted on Tumblr by Meloukhia, also known as S. E. Smith, [3] where it quickly gained popularity. In May 2014 the term quasiplatonic relationships was coined for aromantics who were uncomfortable with using the term queer. [4]

On March 30th, 2021, Fandom user GoldenStars14 along with Fandom user Brambleybee came up with the terms «mallowfriend» and «marshmallow» to describe queerplatonic partners with a term something other than the terms QPP (queerplatonic partner) and zucchini. Later, on April 9, 2021, GoldenStars14 posted about this on the LGBTA fandom wiki and waited for the other fandom users to respond, most of which who did so positively, before putting the term onto this page. [5]

At least four different flag designs have been proposed for queerplatonic. [6] Most of these flags use the colors yellow and pink. Yellow is commonly used to symbolize platonic relationships. Pink is possibly used because it is a light form of red, which is commonly used to represent romantic attraction, showing that queerplatonic relationships can sometimes resemble romantic relationships but that they are different nonetheless.

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